Tuesday, March 31, 2009

God Is Great and We Are Dirt!

"I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck."

>"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion

What an interesting quote! It can all be dealt with using magical thinking. God "works in many mysterious ways" should do the trick. This list of Biblical ways to find a wife should help to prove His ways are mysterious. As you shall see at the end of the list there is always a magical way out for Meester God. In this case, Jesus helps dad out. Another miracle is performed by J.C.. WWJD? He died so Dad's weird shit can be explained away. Enough. Here is the much published list.

15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Before a Christian apologist says:
"That is old testament but Jesus came to unify the old and the new, the above became null and void upon his death", let me say it.

So, what part of the Old Testament is valid?
Never forget: "There IS a plan, you just aren't allowed to know what it is."

I like this one: Proverbs 26:11 Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.* Dog vomit makes me feel so clean and sin free.

*danke Malia

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